Problem Solving - 3 Strategies to Teach Your Children
Per James Lehman, MSW, children can act out in inappropriate ways when they don’t know how to problem-solve. It is a mechanism by which they have learned to cope and they use it to make someone else solve the problem for them. Dr. Lehman’s Total Transformation program aids us parents in giving our children the tools needed to solve their own problems. They will be take responsiblity and be more accountable then.
Here are three of these techniques that can give you a firm idea of how simplistic and realistic these tools are in turning things around and quickly.
1. Make direct statements. Tell them what you want , firmly and clearly, then walk away. Don’t be afraid of appearing powerless. You’ve made your child accountable for his actions, and to him that’s powerful.
2. Disconnect. Stop communication with the child if they’re being abusive or disrespectful. Make it a power vacuum, and you’ll be amazed how fast things change. This is one that we’ve started using and I can’t believe how good it works. Communication should not resume until the child takes responsibility for their behavior.
3. Theconsequences should be task-oriented and time-limited. Whenever you can, connect the consequences to the behavior. For example, “you can’t play outside until you clean your room”. It is important to note, you are unable to punish the child into acceptable behavior. Consequences should be short term, not a jail sentence.
Lastly, don’t hold your breath! Their problem-solving skills will develop. However, change and gratitude don’t come overnight. Later on, blame will be replaced with thanks, but it might be a while in coming.
A couple of notes - Don’t allow your child’s words or actions to affect your handling of the situation. Being consistent is the number one rule in parenting. However, if you mess up, don’t be too hard on yourself. We are also in parenting training (or retraining). One thing you can count on, you will get a second chance to try out your new skills!